3 Practices to Reclaim Your Power | Donna Koch
And 7 Indicators You Might Be Giving it Away
Stop giving your power away and begin to trust that your feelings are in fact expressions of the deepest truths. ~ Neale Donald Walsch ~
“It feels like I’m being let down by others… I don’t feel understood or appreciated… I’m receiving less grace and love than what I give, what I desire.” A glimpse into my latest attempt to express what was ‘really coming up for me’, to my own life coach.
These may not be the exact words but they certainly embody the essence. To be clear, this was not a ‘ woah is me’, ‘ nobody loves me ‘, pity party. It was a chasmic dive into self, a discovery and reminder… the deeper we go, the greater the treasure.
It turns out, I was seeking external approval AGAIN! I had created an environment for disappointment AGAIN! I was giving away my OWN POWER… AGAIN!
I share this not as a tirade of self incrimination but a not so subtle nudge… a vivid reminder our journey of growth and discovery is not a ONE & DONE, but a lifetime pursuit.
7 Indicators You Are Giving Away Your Power
#1 — Measuring your self worth on the opinion of others
Despite countless hours of therapy, coaching and self work, my discovery on this day revealed an old pattern — seeking the approval of a dear friend. It matters not where you seek your approval but that the only approval you seek is your own.
I found myself relying heavily on likes and comments in my social media feed, seeking external affirmation. It would perhaps feel better if I could say it was an unconscious desire but in truth I was obsessing over my email and social media feeds, secretly hoping there would be a comment on my latest blog.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~
In acknowledging my own detrimental pattern, I was able to understand its source (with a little guidance) and gift myself the approval I so desperately sought from others.
#2 — Dismissing your own heart (intuition)
All of my troubles began in my own failure to listen to my heart. Instead I once chose to follow the voice telling me to choose others over myself. Learning to trust your intuition, your heart may be the most prolific lesson of all.
If you find yourself doing something to avoid hurting others, even though it’s not at all what you want… STOP. You will cause yourself much greater pain and in the end still cause it to others, perhaps with even greater consequence. Find the courage to do what matters most for you.
…”a chasmic dive into self, a discovery and reminder… the deeper we go, the greater the treasure.”
#3 — Permitting the influence of others
It’s easy to get caught up in the jubilation… despair of others. If it serves you well, ride the wave. If it does not, learn to remove yourself and define how you feel on your own merit, no one else’s.
I’m not suggesting you won’t feel sad in the presence of sadness or love in the company of love. Own your emotions or reaction to circumstance and catch yourself ‘ blaming ‘ others for how you feel. Giving away your power to how someone else feels is a crime against your soul.
#4 — Apologizing by default
As a third generation Canadian, I am conditioned to blurt “ I’m sorry “ with unconscious blame to myself, when there is no blame to be had… even when it belongs to someone else. Stop diminishing your presence.
Whether it be in personal or professional circles, I encourage you to notice how often you utter “ I’m sorry” in the most unnecessary of situations. Enlist the help of a dear friend or trusted peer to point it out (with kindness of course). Trust me… you won’t catch yourself enough, especially in the beginning.
#5 — Losing sense of self
Do you find yourself defining who you are by your relationship status or what you do for a living? There was a time my response would sound something like “ I’m married/divorced”… “ I’m an HR Manager”… when introducing myself to someone new. I had no idea who “I” was without such attachments.
I silently gave up things I loved, including lifelong practices and activities in favour of another’s preference. One might think my actions to be unconscious… Reality Check — I was very aware of the choices I was making. I became a master in the art of rationalizing and convincing myself I was doing what mattered to me too.
#6 — Settling for less
For me this practice started early in my career, taking on copious workload and responsibility without remuneration. Learning to ask for what I was worth formed a foundation to grow and nurture my self confidence if only in the work environment.
One of the great injustices we instill upon ourselves is to settle for less, to not pursue our dreams, to allow a relationship to continue when it no longer serves us. I knew I had subdued ( if only temporarily) this faux pas when I said goodbye to a relationship despite knowing the hurt it would inflict upon the receiver.
I had to fight the sense of “ being selfish, full of myself”… accept and acknowledge I wanted (deserved) something more. For the first time in my life it seemed, I chose me.
#7 — Feeling taken for granted
Proceed with caution… you may very well be taken for granted. What you must avoid is getting sucked into the vortex of resentment and losing sight of the way out.
Seek to understand the source of your resentment and prepare yourself to see where you may be contributing. You can only be taken advantage of, if you allow it. Speak up, share your concerns, ask for mutual treatment and… remove yourself from the situation, the person, the circumstance if your summons goes unanswered.
“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert ~
3 Practices to Reclaim Your Power
#1 — Own your emotions
He/she makes me so mad/happy/content… fill in your chosen emotion. It is simply untrue. The greatest freedom we all possess, no matter our external circumstance, is the freedom to choose our response. (Don’t believe me, check out The Choice — Embrace the Possible by Dr. Edith Eva Eger)
I shudder in recounting the years, the moments lost to misery because I defied this practice. In allowing my own emotions to be ruled by those around me, I lost sight of what true joy, love and fulfillment felt like to me.
If you’re angry, be angry. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re unsure, be unsure. If you’re happy, be happy.
#2 — Switch your narrative
A sure sign you’re giving away your power sounds like, “ I have to…”. Simply by changing this narrative, you take back your power. Replace it with, “ I choose to…”. It might even sound something like, “ It’s not my first choice and I choose to because …”
It’s okay to do things for others when it’s not what we might prefer. The precipice we must be wary, is in how often and how intentional our decision is made.
#3 — Lavish yourself with love
Give yourself all of the love, understanding and support you desire. Treat yourself to flowers, a spa day, a new outfit… or simply surround yourself in the energy of love and understanding.
Sit with yourself… light a candle… listen to your favourite love song… put yourself in the mood. Visualize yourself wrapped up in love. Ruminate in how deeply understood you feel. Return to this moment, this sensation throughout the day…especially when your mind wanders toward hindering thoughts.
What resonates most deeply for you? I invite you to share your own lesson, your own journey in reclaiming your power. Tell me more…
Originally published at https://www.donnakoch.com on September 23, 2021.
